Want

I want things. I want a lot of things.

Some thing I want, I want with my entire body. I can feel it in every part of me, just dreaming, thinking, desiring every minute of the day. I want these things so completely that it's in my chest and my head and my heart and my fingers. I want these things that the thought of not having them is unbearable.

Some things I only want with, like my big toe. This is disappointing, mostly because of how it reflects on me. You're not supposed to want things that superficially--it's too stereotypically American. Desires are supposed to run deeper, to have more meaning than just, "Yeah, if you're getting some then pick me up some as well." That's a coffee order, not a dream.

Some things I don't want, and I think that I should. This is perhaps the most shaming. As much as we have been trained and brainwashed to embrace individuality, no one wants to be out of the mainstream. So when other peoples' dreams are my nightmares--that's horrifying on many levels. It happens to everyone, I guess, but is that just something that I tell myself so that I don't feel like so much of a freakazoid?

I want things. I want a lot of things. I want a lot of things constantly and sporadically and with various parts of me and with all of me at the same time.

It's all very confusing.