How many chicks can YOU pick up wearing a monocle?

I'm a sucker for passages from old books that sound like they could be from today. Like this one bit from Busman's Honeymoon, a Lord Peter Wimsey mystery from the 1930s. Peter is trying to get his new bride, Harriet, to sit on his lap and he says "That's better. No, you are not too heavy--you needn't insult me."

I love that. I love that she protests that she will be too heavy to sit on his lap, because it's something that I myself have done. And that's great.

A little further down the page is the cheeky passage: "Women had found paradise in his arms before now--and told him so, with considerable emphasis and eloquence. He had accepted the assurance cheerfully, because he had not really cared whether they found paradise, or only the Champs Elysees, so long as the place was a pleasant one."

Again, I love that. Dorothy Sayers was writing at a time of, yes, sexual awakening. But she was also British. Things didn't really loosen up there until much later. I mean, a major point of Strong Poison was public outcry because Harriet had taken a lover and lived with him without being married. SCANDAL. And here Sayers is mentioning about Peter's sexploits in an offhand and dismissive manner. In Strong Poison, when Peter initially proposes and Harriet turns him down, she reminds him that she's had a lover. Peter comes right back with, "So have I. Several, in fact. It's the sort of thing that might happen to anyone."

Again, the dismissiveness. Who knew that a guy who wears a monocle would get so much play? It's fantastic. It's the way someone might talk in 2010, and there Sayers was, eighty years ago, beating the curve. Go, Dorothy!

I made a list of things that I want out of life because I was bored out of my mind at Phonathon yesterday. I'm going to write it here, because otherwise I feel like this entry is too short.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE OUT OF LIFE

1. A job that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists.
2. A do-over button (or just plain old time travel would be good, too)
3. Someone to tell me when I'm doing something stupid. Like, a tiny gnome who lives in my hat.
4. A hat.
5. Fortune, with or without fame.
6. Happiness?
7. Happiness.
8. Happiness!
9. Happyness. No, nevermind. Not even for Will Smith will I knowingly sacrifice spelling and grammar.
10. To like where I live.
11. To live out of the country for a year or so. Peter Jackson, I'm still waiting on that invitation to work on The Hobbit.
12. The power to conjure up the perfect sandwich whenever I want one.
13. Magic.
14. For my children to have the opportunity I never had...to attend Hogwarts.
15. Self-control.
16. My own TV show. One that I can point to and say, "I made this," like the kid's voice at the end of each episode of The X-Files when the Thirteen production company logo comes up.
17. A nice, big, sloppy dog.
18. A skirt, like the one I can see in my head but can never find in stores.
19. Free laundry.
20. Never to have to go through anything that makes me find/lose religion. I'm good with the amount of religion I've got right now, thanks very much.
    

I am a curmudgeon

THINGS THAT SUCK:

1.) When you're crossing the street against the light and then the light turns to the walk sign when you're already in the crosswalk, robbing you of your badassery. This is one of the main blights of my life (what does that say about my life?) because jaywalking is how I express the rebel aspect of my personality. HOW am I expected to show everyone that I am an untamed, wild, crazy girl if the crosswalk lights keep undermining me?

Fuck you, crosswalk lights.

2.) Having to hiccup with some sort of beverage in your mouth. I will probably die this way.

3.) Having vague acquaintances. My mom assures me that one day I will mature out of the "do I say hi to you or do I ignore you?" debate, but until that day, I am going to keep up that sort of looking-out-of-the-corner-of-the-eye-for-any-sign-of-recognition charade. Let me make some shout-outs right now.

• CHICK WHO WORKS AT CROSSROADS: I know you. We worked at Phonathon together, and that is a trial by fire.

• MOLLY-SOMETHING: We keep avoiding each others' eyes because we have tons of friends in common, but I know you. We know each other. Let's embrace this.

• TINA FEY: Our souls know one another. Let's stop pretending.
  

4.) All the parents all over the fucking place: Listen, I love that you're here, checking out the bits of your kids' college lives that they're willing to let you see. It's an important ritual. But I am selfish and, most importantly, missing my own parents. STOP REMINDING ME THAT PARENTS EXIST. YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Also, stop distracting me from procrastinating.

Eh.

Things that are actually okay:

1.) Watching TV alone on a Friday night.

2.) The BBC series "Sherlock" (goddammit, I wish there were more than three episodes) (yes, this may be linked to number 1)

3.) Plex's pizza, if you're hungry enough

4.) Procrastinating on essays, with the right, positive, can-eventually-do attitude

5.) The El ride from Merchandise Mart to Davis while it is sleeting, given the following factors:

• The El is packed and there is literally no room for anyone else to get on
• Everyone just wants to go home
• Everyone has the same, "Oh, FML" look on his or her face
• It is freezing outside
• There is a sense of watery camaraderie, especially with Crocheting Lady, ZZ-Top Homeless Man, and Mr. Yuppie.

6.) Llamas (but we knew this already)

7.) Making double-entendres out of historical events. SEE: Streseman's Salami tactic, any sort of Putsch.

Thank you for your time.

Across the pond

I watch a lot of British television. I honestly don't know how it happened this way--it's not like I dislike American TV, it's just that...well, sometimes it feels like there's something different about British TV. Like, it's goofier. Sillier. Less determined to take itself seriously.

I'm going to blame this one mostly on my dad. An early childhood of the Marx Brothers and Monty Python left me with a desire for the ridiculous that American TV (which, incidentally, I wasn't allowed to watch) couldn't fulfill.

My current obsession with British TV I can pretty much blame on my high school friends. I've been lucky enough to have friends who have a good appreciation for the fantastic. It's resulted in a sort of downward spiral of involvement. An EXCELLENT downward spiral of involvement.

So, because I am avoiding the hundreds of pages of reading that I have to do, I'm going to list a few BBC shows that I love. HURRAH.

1.) "Blackadder": It was only a natural progression from Monty Python to "Blackadder". When I think about this now, it's a bit odd that a man would introduce his ten-year-old daughter to a show that was crass while not exactly offering the best moral guidelines for a young girl. The main character, played by Rowan Atkinson (for whom I will always have a soft spot), lied, cheated, swindled, and murdered his way to hilarious fame and fortune. It was fantastic. And it helped that he had 80's-Stephen Fry and 80's-Hugh Laurie to bumble around him like idiots.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgbF2kChUMc

2.) "Doctor Who": I'm going to come right out and say that I have never seen any of the hundreds of original episodes of this show. My involvement with it starts with Christopher Eccleston and extends to Matt Smith, the current Doctor.

But even though my understanding of the series is so limited, it's apparent to me that if you are going to reboot a franchise, this is how you do it. You get the fantastic writer with the vision--Russell T. Davies--and add an intense actor (Christopher Eccleston) who, while he might not be in it for the long haul, brings enough energy and drive to the legendary character that he gives the show the momentum it needs to take off. Then you bring on-board the looker, the high-strung, frenetic handsome guy (David Tennant) to take the reins, and turn it into the long-standing tradition that it once was. And perhaps most importantly, you revamp the title sequence so that it kicks some serious ass. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVUhp1t6ZHE)

"Doctor Who" is so notable for me because it's a series that you can do literally anything with. The Doctor can be played by anyone, which means it can go on forever. They can go to any planet, any time period, so there's no end of potential settings.

3.) "Torchwood": I'm going to go out on a limb and compare this to a very-much-tamer version of "True Blood." There are no vampires or werewolves--just aliens--but the show was about as fearless about sexuality and violence as could be gotten in the non-cable, post-watershed timeslot that it was allotted.

Also, in the same way that "Doctor Who" was the ideal reboot, I think that "Torchwood" is a good example of an ideal spinoff. The main character, Jack Harkness (John Barrowman), was big and brassy enough to make the leap from his original "Doctor Who" to a television show of his very own. It helped as well that Barrowman pretty much was Jack Harkness in real life.

"Torchwood" also was one of the BBC shows that I first encountered who succeeded in ruling its audience through fear. The show got through its entire first season without any major casualties, but then--KABOOM. Season 2 finale rolls around, and two of the five main characters drop like flies. Then, the final special fells another main character, leaving only two characters standing. Again, shows like "True Blood" or "Lost" are comparable here. They're also rare in that respect--most American shows are petrified of killing their main characters.

4.) "Robin Hood": Fuck "Robin Hood," man.

Okay, so there's killing off main characters in a show like "Torchwood," and then there's fucking KILLING OFF MAID MARIAN.

DON'T DO THAT.

I mean, I loved the show BEFORE they did that, anachronisms and all. But seriously dudes? Do not mess with Maid Marian.

5.) "Merlin": Yes, I have saved one of the best for last.

What's not to love about "Merlin"? I mean, yes, occasionally the show dips into the ridiculously goofy end of the spectrum (troll-two-parter, anyone?). And yes, Arthur's obtuseness is getting hilarious. And yes, I sometimes legitimately fear that Colin Morgan's ears are going to catch the wind and he is going to be blown away.

But.

IT IS SO GOOD.

As I said before, I often think that what American television lacks is joy. You get it occasionally on shows like "How I Met Your Mother"--shows that aren't afraid to go silly. But most of the time, TV over here is all about the technical. The acting, the writing, the cinematography, the directing, it's all controlled and patrolled, down to the last word.

With "Merlin," we've already got a ridiculous premise. Magic is real, legendary characters are in their late teens and early 20s, being ruled by hormones as well as enchantments. This is a show that answers the question of "What was the bromance of the ages?" with a resounding "MERLIN AND ARTHUR, OF COURSE!"

There's also a talking dragon.

I wouldn't have it any other way.