I am a curmudgeon

THINGS THAT SUCK:

1.) When you're crossing the street against the light and then the light turns to the walk sign when you're already in the crosswalk, robbing you of your badassery. This is one of the main blights of my life (what does that say about my life?) because jaywalking is how I express the rebel aspect of my personality. HOW am I expected to show everyone that I am an untamed, wild, crazy girl if the crosswalk lights keep undermining me?

Fuck you, crosswalk lights.

2.) Having to hiccup with some sort of beverage in your mouth. I will probably die this way.

3.) Having vague acquaintances. My mom assures me that one day I will mature out of the "do I say hi to you or do I ignore you?" debate, but until that day, I am going to keep up that sort of looking-out-of-the-corner-of-the-eye-for-any-sign-of-recognition charade. Let me make some shout-outs right now.

• CHICK WHO WORKS AT CROSSROADS: I know you. We worked at Phonathon together, and that is a trial by fire.

• MOLLY-SOMETHING: We keep avoiding each others' eyes because we have tons of friends in common, but I know you. We know each other. Let's embrace this.

• TINA FEY: Our souls know one another. Let's stop pretending.
  

4.) All the parents all over the fucking place: Listen, I love that you're here, checking out the bits of your kids' college lives that they're willing to let you see. It's an important ritual. But I am selfish and, most importantly, missing my own parents. STOP REMINDING ME THAT PARENTS EXIST. YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Also, stop distracting me from procrastinating.